A Clash of Kings Final Entry

As with Game of Thrones, a trip to my parent's house has led me to finish this book. As per CB's great idea, I will do a character by character recount.

Theon: I start with him becuase ding dong the douche is dead! Ha! Asshole. What a jackass. His sister finally comes and is like you are a total douche, you have like 4 people and no access to supplies and all of the Stark's bannermen are coming and you have no way to hold the castle. So he is a total jackass and his last ditch hope is to send Reek away to hire some soldiers. Turns out Reek is actually Roose Bolton's bastard and he comes back just in time. But sadly for Theon, he is still out of luck. Before he knows Reek is coming back Maester Luwin has almost convinced him to surrender and take the black, and even to the last second he is an arrogant douche and is all like I would be the head of the Watch and the greatest ranger ever blaaahhhh. Well too bad he's dead!
JN Note: Theon totes mcgotes shoulda listened to Asha. she seems to know the score, despite being a woman and all. I was so sad that Ser Rodrick and all the good northmen got traitored and killed by hte boltons. i thought luwins idea to take the black was great, and quite fitting since benjen and jon did too! the writing as theon realized that reek was betraying him was terrific tho, everything was helter skelter, the reader had no clue what fighting was going on, and then it was all omg!
CB Note: I had started writing notes to this blog, but then my internet explorer inexplicably restarted itself, so JN got in first. I believe I wrote: Ding Dong!! Were you surprised Reek turned out to be Bolton?? I sure was!
RK Note: Reek being Bolton's Bastard was a GREAT twist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was also thrilled when Theon died, he was such a douche, heartless and ungrateful and a traitor. Theon Turncoat!

Bran: Speaking of, excellent nut about Bran and Rickon being in the Crypt. Theon goes to the ale house or wherever and kills two kids who look similar to them and hangs them from the castle. I guess he did this to save face to say that he found them but it backfires because the people hate him. Bran is having tons of his wolf dreams in the crypt and he sees Winterfell burning from jackass Reek. So they come back up to see Master Luwin about to die. Luwin's last advice is that they separate Bran and Rickon because it's safer that way. So Bran goes with Hodor and the green folk north and Rickon goes with Osha.
JN Note: great crypt nut!!! re the trick of posting the dead bodies of the wrong kids, did you realize that that was what reek was proposing at the end of the chapt when bran and rickon escaped? its worth reading again to juts see how nicely foreshadowed the trickery is. i think cb or zero actually thought for a few moments subsequently that bran and rickoned were really captured and killed bc it was only hinted til theon admitted it at the end of the chapter when he was having bad dreams. also, the greendream about the faces coming off came true!!! Just to explain re Reek/Ramsay Snow (Bastard of Bolton), Ramsay married and did that bad stuff to the woman to get her lands, then was chased by good northmen, he switched clothes with reek, and reek got killed and ramsay captured. so the whole time, it was actually Ramsay at Winterfell and ingratiating himself with theon, surely planning to escape and capture winterfell himself. he seems a formidable opponent!
CB Note: I really don't know how you knew they were in the crypt! I totally didn't nut that, tho I did nut that they weren't really dead.
RK Note: I nutted that they weren't really dead and were in the Crypt! I think it was foreshadowed somewhere, like LB noted in the last blog, I must have gotten it from somewhere. Roose Bolton's bastard is bad.... bad bad bad... So sad but smart to split up Bran and Rickon!

Tyrion: The battle comes. Stannis is on his way up the river (forget the name) and he has this plan to basically send out his "fleet" to meet Stannis's but really only as a distraction after whcih he will fling all of the wildfire into the river and burn them out. And then he will raise the chain that he created and the ships will be swept into it (I'm assuming the chain would burn as well with the wild fire...not so sure what it did, cause it was all so fast but yeah...JN Explain...) Anyway so everything is burning and there is news that Stannis is approaching the gate and the Hound is scared and won't go!! He is scared of the fire. So Tyrion leads the troops into battle himself and they head to the river but it turns out all of the ships are making a bridge because they are caught together and all of Stannis's men are climbing across. Tyrion starts fighting and is about to be killed by one of the kings guard (Cersei set him up the biotch!) and Podrick Payne saves him!!!! He gets a big gash on the face but that's it. Meanwhile, somehow Tywin has made his way up to take Stannis's army from the rear. They chase Stannis away in a humiliating defeat and save King's Landing. Tyrion wake's up and his jaw is broken and he has a huge \gash on his face. He finds out that his dad is back and resumed the position of Hand. Here's the problem, all of this was Tyrion's doing and apaprently no one is giving him credit. He will take his vengance!
JN Note: glad to hear you liked the battle. even cb did! i loved how he told it from the 3 perspectives, and it was particulary creepy hearing Sansa's take on waiting. as for the battle itself, The Blackwater Rush river runs to the south of Kings Landing. Stannis' fleet sailed up the coast, then into the river, the fleet would be used to land troops on the city-side, and to ferry the troops that were marching along up the mainland across the river. the chain was strung along 2 towers at the entrance to the river from the bay, and when tyrion sunk/blew up the biggest lannister ships, it blocked the way up the river, then the chain was raised to block the exit to the bay - therefore trapping almost all of stannis' ships in the burning part of the river. Cersei is a total bitoctch, trying ot get tyrion killed, but its a good thing Podric was there! great save! tyrion totes should get the credit, but he wont. stupid tywin lannister, and renlys ghost. nto fair! the scenes of tyrion trying to get pod and bronn to stop cersei from keeping him drugged were funny too.
CB Note: Even CB liked it! woot! Yea I especially liked the Tyrion fighthing scene, I was so worried/angry when that meanie kingsguard guy tried to kill Tyrion!!!
RK Note: Me too, such betrayal from Cersei! I think we discussed the battle scene a lot over brunch, but very awesome, well planned by Tyrion, he deserves the credit he won't get! I hope Shae is OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully tending to Lollys inside Maegor's Holdfast during the battle.

Sansa: After her flowering, Sansa realizes the pain of being a woman. Haha sorry I wanted to start with a dramatic statement. So she goes to see Joff off to war and he is such a giant douche. And then she goes to where Cersei is keeping all the women safe. She sees the king's justice there and at first Cersei tells her it is to deal with traitors. But then she finds out that if the city is captured, Cersei would rather they both die. Sigh. So after they think the city is taken, Sansa escapes up to her bedroom, where the Hounds is creepily waiting in her bed and makes her sing. WEird weird scene here and the Hound leaves. I feel like he is gonna change sides at some point cause he has this weird secret love for Sansa. Sansa finds out what has happened (people think it was Renley's ghost who came back) adn ends up to the big ceremonies where Joff is knighting people and giving people lands. Turns out Littlefinger was able to convince Flower knight's family to join them and they make Flower Knight part of the kingsguard. Tywin is back to being the King's hand. Also, much to Sansa's delight, JOff "releases" her because he is going to marry Flower Knight's sister (Renley's widow). She is happy and she meets with her fool knight who tells her not to be so happy because JOff will still torment her and Cersei will never let her go. He said he is going to help her escape during Joff's wedding when everyone is distracted. Woohoo!
JN Note: Sansa and the Hound... creeeeeeeeeeepy. Littlefinger saves the day! im pretty sure a raisin needs to be posted, bc somebody was concerned Littlefinger would doublecross the lannisters... an Escape! finally!!! did Dontos give any details about the plan yet??? (he asks in a voice that suggests dontos has)
CB Note: I was soooo scared for Sansa when Cersei told her the real reason Ilyn was there. CREEPY MCCREEPSTERS!!!!!!! Cersei is such a whackadoodle. Double creepsters for that Hound scene where he makes her (my little bird) sing a song to him and then he tries to kiss her. Eep! As for Dontos, I believe that all he says is that they're going to escape on the night of the wedding and then he gives her a hairnet to wear to the wedding. I hope Stacy and Clinton would approve (sorry, at home I've been watching some What Not to Wear)
RK Note: LOL to Caryn's WNTW reference. Does anyone else think Ser Loras might really not be fully in it for the Lannisters? The Tyrells were like Renly's biggest supporters, and now theyv'e come back to the Lannisters, but are they REALLY on the Lannister side or are they in it for their own power?

Catelyn: Stays away from the celebration when she gets the (false) news that Bran and Rickon are dead. She goes to see the Kingslayer and quesitons him. He is surprisingly honest with her (confesses he is the one to throw Bran from the window and that Joffrey is his) so that she will tell him actual news. Scene closes with Catelyn asking Brienne for a sword. I hope she doesn't kill him so that they kill Sansa!
JN Note: poor catelyn, thinking bran and rickon are dead :( this was a terrific scene, and widely considered one of the best in the series, as its our only real interaction with the Kingslayer, and hte story he tells is good. its also a devilish cliffhanger - whats she gonna do!!!!
CB Note: Definitely an interesting scene and most definitely my favorite Catelyn scene ever since the time when she kidnapped Tyrion (i like when she does kickass things, and she hasnt been doing kickass things lately!) It was pretty cool that they would ask each other questions, kind of like the House ep we just saw with John Laraquette, where he was a coma patient who House woke up to ask him medical history questions since his son was dying but John would only answer if he could ask House questions first. Jaime was (not surprisingly) pretty d-baggy tho, especially at the beginning! I for one didn't know what Catelyn was gonna do!
RK Note: Great House analogy Caryn!!!!!!! Jaime was dbaggy but its nice to get to know him... He is sooooooooooooooooo loyal to Cersei and I feel like I'm learning new perspectives to him. WHO SENT THE MAN WITH THE KNIFE TO FINISH BRAN OFF?!?!?!?!! omg. And if it wasn't Cersei or Jaime, WHY did they want to finish Bran off?!?!?!?!?!

Arya: Is Roose's (?) cup bearer. But she realizes that he is going to give Harrenhal to the mummer people (don't remember who they are) so she decides to escape. She convinces Rob's bastard and Hot PIe to go with her and steals a map and a dagger and some horses. They head out to purportedly head to Riverrun towards Robb. I hope she gets there! We need a Stark reunion!!
JN Note: the bloody mummers are a band of mercenaries, led by Vargo Hoat, who talkth like thith. i believe rorge and biter (the other 2 prisoners with jaqen) are also bloody mummers. the mummers are hte ones who brought in the northmen as fake prisoners. they used to be lannister mercenaries, but now wor for bolton, bc, as arya told you, roose is gonna give the goat harrenhal. as for arya, i seem to remember her doing more than just stealing a dagger.... i believe she Valar Morghulis'ed somebody. additionally, there was another nice little nugget in this chapter that went unblogged.
CB Note: How could you NOT mention the KICKASS way Arya got them out of Harrenhaal?!?! She walked up to the one guard at the exit they were gonna take. As Roose's cupbearer, it wasn't super fishy. She dropped the coin that Jaqen had given her, he bent over to pick it up and she sliced open his neck!!!!!!!!! VALAR MORGHULIS BITCHES! I thought that was the coolest. I *heart* arya
RK Note: OMG Arya is BADASS!! I didn't know Valar Morghulis was like a verb, like you could Valar Morghulis'ed someone, but she did SAY it after she killed the guy, although I was sort of interpreting it to mean more like "R.I.P." or something, but maybe it means something more specific. Also I don't even think Arya knows what it means!!!

Daenerys: After her creepy encounter with the warlocks (?) where her dragon burns down their place and she learns nothing, she is essentially an outcast in Qarth and even her creepy host dude wants her out since she won't marry him. She is going to try find some ships to take her people away when someone tries to kill her wit hthis box with a scorpion thing. She is saved by this dude who was sent by Magister Ilirio (?) the same dude who was with her and Vyseris who sold her to the Khal. He is going to give her ships to carry her people and dragons back to him in whatever city he is from.
JN Note: this is by far the most disappointing entry in the whole blog. i expected SO MUCH MORE. Dany in the Hosue of the Undying is one of the most important chapters ever. i was planning to write "you hardly need me to tell you this..." but apparently you do need it so: the adept squirrel rereads this chapter 2-3x, folds its page, and attempts to puzzle out the visions and dreams. duh! oh daniel-san, L2wax! The dudes who saved dany are Arstan and Strong Belwas. what's illyrio's plan?! can they be trusted?! only time, or the skilled nutter, can tell!
CB Note: I have to side with JN here. The House of the Undying chapter is riddled with nuts. It's like a squirrel's winter home.
RK Note: LOL, good analogy CB! Illyrio is not necessarily one to be trusted, but I'm glad Dany is getting a ship back to Westeros!

Jon: So they are winding down the moutnain pass when they see eagles and realize that Manse's people know that they are there. JOn has a wolfdream where he sees Ghost being attacked by an eagle and he sees Manse's huge host of army and all sorts of creepy giants and stuff. They try to escape but Halfhand knows they aren't going to so he orders Jon to yield to Mance's people and pretend to break his oaths and join them. Turns out JOn is essentially saved by Ygritte the girl he saved who convinces some guy with a lot of bones to not kill hiim. He ends up killing Halfhand to convince the wildings that he is for realz. So we leave with news that Mance is marching towards the wall and Jon has "joined" their army.
JN Note: Instert ygritte "i hope this doesnt come back to haunt jon" raisin here. Then insert "i wonder if it will be like gandalf letting gollum live" nut here. then realize this was a classic "Nash Style" nut attempt. great scene, totes din see it coming, jon having to kill the Halfhand! but now hes with the wildlings!!! omgee deep cover commando stylez! gotta stop that Mance!
CB Note: Eep! Jon pretending to be a wildling makes me super nervous. I don't want them to find him out! I love my some Jon Snow! I was so sad that him and Qhorin couldn't escape!
RK Note: This is going to be great seeing the wildlings and Mance Rayder from up close from Jon's perspective!!!

Davos: Don't know what to say. I think he's dead after the battle with the wildfire. Who knows?!
JN Note: i bet you find out in ASOS.
CB Note: You can't bet, you have insider information.

So that's it I think. I'm sure I forgot something and will hear about it through JN Notes. A lot was left in suspense!! To a Storm of Swords!!!
JN Note: as i discussed with cb and zero, i think that the last 200 pages or so of ACOK were great suspense and a good string of plotline climaxes. ASOS on the other hand, is the best book of the series, and essentially hte entire second half of it is one "omgee" moment after another. good luck!!!
CB Note: Try the entire BOOK is one "omgee" moment after the next. Book 3 is like on hyper-drive, and I'm very anxious to discuss it with you. I have some very strong feelings towards happenings in this book.
RK Note: WHO IS ZERO?!?!?! I loved the end of ACOK and I can't wait for ASOS! I keep having to work a lot and not able to sit around and read ASOS for hours every day like I would like to!!! I cannot wait for Book 3!!! I can't wait to learn what made Caryn throw the book!!!!!!!